Monthly Archives: March 2011

Just another day in the great white north. Today the high was up from yesterday by a whopping whole 1 degree! At 30 degrees F with a constant wind chill, you begin to forget what cold is.  You begin to understand why everyone walking around the city has no facial expression at all.  Well it’s quite simple you see, it’s because their faces are near frozen in place.  One thing I dont understand is how all these Canadian women still manage to come out at night in short dresses and skirts when it’s near the low 20s.  Some cougars just need to stay in the hunt I suppose.

I did a lot of walking today up and down Queen Street West, which I was told was the hipster of hip streets in Toronto.  Pretty interesting atmosphere.  An eclectic area of the city outlined by chinatown.  There were all kinds of stores varying from the latest fashion and vintage boutiques to used record stores and bike shops.  Now for some reason every city I travel to I always end up at the same clothing store sometimes by choice, but most times by chance.  Urban Outfitters.  The store for some reason has some kind of magnetic pull on me.  Regardless if I want to buy something or not I always end up going in to at least read a book about poop or something.

Now last night was the Juno Awards.  I was pretty darn excited about this one, because Arcade Fire and Broken Social Scene were performing and downtown Toronto was coming alive.  Little did I know that Canadians have the worst musical taste ever.  Dont get me wrong there have been great recent names coming out of the land of canucks and maple milkers such as: Metric, Arcade Fire, Broken Social Scene, Young Liars, Caribou, but this awards show was beyond terrible.  Almost every performance was by some half famous band or singer that no one has ever heard of or was on the down slope of their career and was droningly boring.  Broken Social Scene lulled me to sleep.  Arcade Fire performed near the end and played “Rococo” it was just… ok, which was fine because it was a million times better than hearing the horrid sounds of Down with Webster perform.  Drake was hosting and he tried to be a cheap comedic version of every single host of the Grammy’s for the past five years. He lost my attention somewhere between him hitting on Shania Twain and him making an ass of himself about how he lost a Grammy to Arcade Fire.  All in all it was an experience worth noting.  There is a reason Canadians do as they do… I have yet to figure that one out, but I’ll let you know when I do.

Some music for ya:


In case you dont already know, but I just so happen to be in Toronto visiting the fam and hitting up the Juno Awards aka Canadian Grammy’s.  The Juno Awards are being hosted by none other than Canada’s most talented rapper since white reggae hip hop phenom Snow.  Yeah thats right Drake is hosting the Juno Awards or aka Jimmy, the rapping kid/basketball phenom who gets shot and put into a wheelchair then struggles with having one of the hottest girlfriends on the show because he cant get his penis erect…. on Degrassi. Yeah no joke Canadian television for ya.

Dont believe me?

See? Wheelchair and Penis, Boom!

Anyways, Toronto has been chill, literally I’m nearly freezing to death.  It’s like 24 degrees F on average, but there is a wind factor which makes it feel like 15.  I swear my ears freeze so bad I swear they are going to fall off my head.

It’s a pretty interesting city.  I have yet to develop a full understanding of life here, but I am starting to see the potential it possesses.  I could have sworn I saw Win Butler(American), aka lead singer of Arcade Fire(Canadian), walking around St.Lawrence Farmers Market, it was either him buying organic gluten free loaves of sourdough or some dude with the exact same half shaven comb over hair cut.

Check the haircut:

The guy from Fifth Element diggs it:

Maybe going for an Elvis thing:

So tomorrow I am going to check out a vintage record store, a castle, Lee’s Palace from Scott Pilgrim. Not in that order.  It should be a fun day.

Hit it SNOW!

This blog is brought to you by my bowl of Peanut Butter Captain Crunch! Not because they’re paying me to do it, but because they are delicious and the world should know.

Let me take this moment to address the 7 people who I drunk texted last night.  If you found it entertaining, great, offensive, not so great, I apologize. Bad habits die hard.

So last night it was my friend Emily’s going away party.  We all went out and met up at Shout House, one of those dueling piano places.  Personally I never really liked those kind of bars, reason being I find myself not being drunk enough to enjoy old men banging on piano keys and being whimsically entertaining at the most.  The night went off… ok. Everyone was there and seemed to be enjoying the show.  I, however felt like I needed to get on their level.  So about four beers and two strong mixed drinks in, I start get in the swing of things.  It started to be fun, I think I slammed a table to put some emphasis on a song that I was singing, thus spilling drinks everywhere, my bad.  So as you can tell I was enjoying myself.  However one thing I didn’t like was the fact that they didn’t play my two song requests:

1) Circle of Life – Elton John

2) If You Really Love Me – Stevie Wonder

Come on man, Elton John and Stevie Wonder! If either one of those songs were played it would have made my night, those bastards shattered my dreams.  So instead they go on playing really shitty country and honky tonk bullshit.  Personally I dont understand country, when I think of the idea of liking it, I tend to compare it to the idea of hooking up with a ginger… ew. Catch my drift.

So I started to get bored, so I invested my time at the bar.  Now when I get drunk and bored and have a phone in hand, you get = me drunk texting.  Now I dont know why, but I just get so intrigued by the fact that hey I’m drunk and can stay connected.  Maybe not the best habit one can choose.

Before I continue, let me address the fact that when I drunk text I tend to talk to people in opposite tones I would normally.  So if I normally text you with joking undertones and sarcasm (everyone), I would probably text you drunk in a serious yet drunken ramble.  So if you can imagine the tone you would carry on with hmmm say… YOUR BOSS!  Yes, as you can see this story isn’t going too well for me.

Now most of the stuff I texted my friends was probably thought of as, oh hey Mitch is drunk texting again what a hot mess.  But last night there were a few blunders on my behalf.  So you know how there are always a few people in your contacts that you probably should never drunk text, well I drunk texted all of them. Lets analyze the following people, the context of the text and my train of thought behind it all:

People I Texted Drunk, But Probably Shouldn’t Of

Victim 1:  My Mom

  • Now, this isn’t the first time this has happened.  May I mention my Mom loves to mess with me when I’m drunk, but I still dont like the fact that I drunk text her.  You never know when you may say something thats gonna upset her.  The text I sent went something like, “hey mom i jus wnna let yuo kno that Im in a bar full of cougars, Ill get home safely tonight dnt worry”  After reading the text I couldn’t help but laughing because my Mom and I have this on going joke where she throws me to cougar ladies, but in retaliation I play along making it seem like I’m actually interested, so the jokes on her.

Victim 2:  My Boss

  • I have no idea how this happened but I truly regret this one.  My boss was one of last people I texted before I got hammered, so in my phone he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.  The text went something on the terms of “hey boss!!! wheeer u at?? U need to be throwin back some beerums right meow with us, bring your bow tie!”  Now I have no idea where the bow tie idea came from. But anyone who know me knows that I sometimes like to wear bow ties and maybe tonight I felt that he needed to be wearing one.  I havent got a response back. I am fearing every minute of that moment.

Victim 3:  My Future Boss

  • This one wasn’t too bad only because I got a pretty humorous response back, but nonetheless I dont want to start off on a bad foot with my soon to be employer.  I texted “Doood! Who let the dogs out!!!”  This one still cracks me up.  So the inside joke is, whenever we see a group of slutty unattractive large women who are wearing clothes that was bought at baby gap, one of us calls each other on our phones which has the personal ringtone of “who let the dogs out” song by baha men.  Yes, this may sound mean, but I have a low tolerance on dressing appropriate and personal hygiene.  I’m still laughing about it.

Victim 4:  The ExEx

  • I had received a surprising text earlier from this person and havent responded until last night.  I wont mention what was actually said, but it went on the lines of, hey this isn’t happening ever dont try to come back into my life, only with a lot more detail and literal prose.  This one I dont feel too bad because I must have really wanted to put my two cents in, but regardless I should have been the bigger person and just not texted back. Dont worry I did not pull a Mel Gibson on her.

So the lesson of this story is, dont drunk text. Actually I take that back, do drunk text, just dont pay attention to any of my drunk texts.  Lets face it some of you people are absolutely hilarious drunk texters.

Im leaving for home Toronto like within the next 24 hours or so.  It’ll be an interesting trip.  Last time I was in Canada I had a grand ol time getting into all kinds of mischef, see my Canada 2010 video on facebook.  It should be one for the books, because my sister and her friends will be there and they are of drinking age in Maple leaf country. More or less thats where Im at in my life.

Last night I missed this band Foster the People, over at the belly up.  It really saddens me, because they are awesome live and I wasn’t able to get a ticket. They’ll definitely be going on my Canada 2011 playlist. Check em out!

Oh dang….

So I just experienced my first Zumba workout ever.  If you dont know what Zumba is, its a dance workout aerobic type class thing, where you dance your ass off until you sweat off all your lard.  Now, I know exactly what your thinking… Why the hell would I want to go to a Zumba class? Well its quite simple.  I lost a bet.  Now, the person I lost to; I’ve been jokingly mentioning how much fun it would be to take a Zumba class dressed up like Richard Simmons or  the Gazelle guy or pretty much like all the other ridiculous workout gurus out there.  So, one thing led to another and I found myself shaking hands to the terms of myself winning a really sweet original vinyl record of Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory signed by Gene Wilder or losing and Zumba-ing whatever dignity I had left in me.

Before I continue I must mention that Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory is probably one of my all time favorite movies.  Gene Wilder’s voice just resonates through my soul.  Sometimes I even pretend to walk up and down the stairs singing “If you want to live in paradise….” TMI? Well anyways because the vinyl is an original and signed it is pretty rare and worth a pretty penny.

So I lost the bet and now I find myself standing infront of a gym about to step into a class that probably violates all man law.

I get in there only to find the most interesting crowd anyone could expect at a workout class.  The class was made up of 60% of the following people and the other 40% were really hot women.  There were some very thuggish looking women in the corner, old to middle age Japanese group of women, then a mix of overweight people and a few other creepy looking dudes. I walked in wearing a terrible looking 90’s windbreaker suit over some seriously too small short shorts and found a spot between the good looking girls and the old Japanese women.

Now, I am a pretty healthy guy and I find myself in good shape and a decent dancer to boot, so I wasn’t expecting anything challenging from Zumba-laties.  We got going and I kept up with all the moves thus far.  Now positioning myself next to the attractive girls made it really hard for me to keep focus, all that gyrating was distracting me. Everything seemed fine as I was killing it to some Lady Gaga, then things started to pick up. Then some fast paced latin stuff started playing, followed by some Jerking song, then some techno Salt n Peppa Push it remix.  Somewhere between me jerking and pop lock n dropping to Salt n Peppa I got an elbow to the face by a Japanese woman next to me.

Now that it was over with, I would say that the work out was comparable to if you could imagine going to a club and dancing all night with no rest or water.  A little sore but more or less tired from hip thrusts and body rolls.  After the class a few of the attractive girls told me they were really surprised I was able to keep up and that I did pretty good for my first time.  As they were talking all I could think about is how damn sweaty I must be right now as I stood there in my short shorts. Dignity long gone.

Will I ever be returning to another Zumba class?   Probably not, unless its with a big group of friends or as a joke. It was kinda fun, but lets face it I’m not the type who prides themselves in getting in shape by taking Zumba 5 times a week.  My ass feels really tight and my left calf is starting to cramp, im probably dehydrated so I’ll catch you guys later.

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