This blog is brought to you by my bowl of Peanut Butter Captain Crunch! Not because they’re paying me to do it, but because they are delicious and the world should know.
Let me take this moment to address the 7 people who I drunk texted last night. If you found it entertaining, great, offensive, not so great, I apologize. Bad habits die hard.
So last night it was my friend Emily’s going away party. We all went out and met up at Shout House, one of those dueling piano places. Personally I never really liked those kind of bars, reason being I find myself not being drunk enough to enjoy old men banging on piano keys and being whimsically entertaining at the most. The night went off… ok. Everyone was there and seemed to be enjoying the show. I, however felt like I needed to get on their level. So about four beers and two strong mixed drinks in, I start get in the swing of things. It started to be fun, I think I slammed a table to put some emphasis on a song that I was singing, thus spilling drinks everywhere, my bad. So as you can tell I was enjoying myself. However one thing I didn’t like was the fact that they didn’t play my two song requests:
1) Circle of Life – Elton John
2) If You Really Love Me – Stevie Wonder
Come on man, Elton John and Stevie Wonder! If either one of those songs were played it would have made my night, those bastards shattered my dreams. So instead they go on playing really shitty country and honky tonk bullshit. Personally I dont understand country, when I think of the idea of liking it, I tend to compare it to the idea of hooking up with a ginger… ew. Catch my drift.
So I started to get bored, so I invested my time at the bar. Now when I get drunk and bored and have a phone in hand, you get = me drunk texting. Now I dont know why, but I just get so intrigued by the fact that hey I’m drunk and can stay connected. Maybe not the best habit one can choose.
Before I continue, let me address the fact that when I drunk text I tend to talk to people in opposite tones I would normally. So if I normally text you with joking undertones and sarcasm (everyone), I would probably text you drunk in a serious yet drunken ramble. So if you can imagine the tone you would carry on with hmmm say… YOUR BOSS! Yes, as you can see this story isn’t going too well for me.
Now most of the stuff I texted my friends was probably thought of as, oh hey Mitch is drunk texting again what a hot mess. But last night there were a few blunders on my behalf. So you know how there are always a few people in your contacts that you probably should never drunk text, well I drunk texted all of them. Lets analyze the following people, the context of the text and my train of thought behind it all:
People I Texted Drunk, But Probably Shouldn’t Of
Victim 1: My Mom
- Now, this isn’t the first time this has happened. May I mention my Mom loves to mess with me when I’m drunk, but I still dont like the fact that I drunk text her. You never know when you may say something thats gonna upset her. The text I sent went something like, “hey mom i jus wnna let yuo kno that Im in a bar full of cougars, Ill get home safely tonight dnt worry” After reading the text I couldn’t help but laughing because my Mom and I have this on going joke where she throws me to cougar ladies, but in retaliation I play along making it seem like I’m actually interested, so the jokes on her.
Victim 2: My Boss
- I have no idea how this happened but I truly regret this one. My boss was one of last people I texted before I got hammered, so in my phone he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. The text went something on the terms of “hey boss!!! wheeer u at?? U need to be throwin back some beerums right meow with us, bring your bow tie!” Now I have no idea where the bow tie idea came from. But anyone who know me knows that I sometimes like to wear bow ties and maybe tonight I felt that he needed to be wearing one. I havent got a response back. I am fearing every minute of that moment.
Victim 3: My Future Boss
- This one wasn’t too bad only because I got a pretty humorous response back, but nonetheless I dont want to start off on a bad foot with my soon to be employer. I texted “Doood! Who let the dogs out!!!” This one still cracks me up. So the inside joke is, whenever we see a group of slutty unattractive large women who are wearing clothes that was bought at baby gap, one of us calls each other on our phones which has the personal ringtone of “who let the dogs out” song by baha men. Yes, this may sound mean, but I have a low tolerance on dressing appropriate and personal hygiene. I’m still laughing about it.
Victim 4: The ExEx
- I had received a surprising text earlier from this person and havent responded until last night. I wont mention what was actually said, but it went on the lines of, hey this isn’t happening ever dont try to come back into my life, only with a lot more detail and literal prose. This one I dont feel too bad because I must have really wanted to put my two cents in, but regardless I should have been the bigger person and just not texted back. Dont worry I did not pull a Mel Gibson on her.
So the lesson of this story is, dont drunk text. Actually I take that back, do drunk text, just dont pay attention to any of my drunk texts. Lets face it some of you people are absolutely hilarious drunk texters.